Happy Independence Day!  Party safe and report all fires.  And when you’re playing ‘Name All The Original Colonies’ (George Washington’s favorite drinking game, btw), don’t forget the fourteenth colony – Lime.  It’s near Delaware.

(file photo)

If you were Colin’s neighbor, who would you be?

A) A chilean sea bass
B) That one skeevy perv who keeps the blinds closed all day
C) A completely different chilean sea bass
D) Boom Diddles McBaggersons

If you answered “A” or “C”, go eat. If you answered “B”, I already called the cops and there’s an Amber Alert pointing right to your apartment. If you answered “D”, you actually read the title of the post. Boom Diddles (working title) moved in recently. And let me tell you. DJ Diddles knows when it’s time to party. That time is 2002.  Don’t know what to play at 8:30 A.M. Tuesday morning at a f ission-inducing decibel? Say hello to “Sandstorm” by Darude (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSYxT9GM0fQ). Worried what mood to set at that dinner with the mother-in-law? Fire up “Believe” by Cher, crank it to 11 and snap the knob off (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5xsiKBJGW4).

There’s only one way to get down with Baggy Bags. And that’s at Musical Hiroshima: Ground Zero.

Alright, so the hand has been tipped. Clubster-bag has moved in next door to me, and aside from being every bit the schwantz that his attire would suggest, the guy has an obsession with playing dance music at all hours of the day and night. And, by some tragic collision of coincidence and shoddy craftsmanship, the wall dividing our apartments suppresses virtually everything but the bass line. That oh so clever bass line rarely found outside of dance music. That bass line that says: “You can’t hit that 10,000 bpm 8th note bass drum enough.” And just when you think it may actually approach enough, guess what…

16th note bass drum shows up to impose aural waterboarding not seen this side of George Michael.

Never have so few danced so much to so little.

I’m no musical snob, but let’s be real here. Dance music belongs in one place, and one place only: The club you go to on Friday night because you told that one girl you love dance music. So you go, get plowed, and limp tragically around the dancefloor like a leper with parkinsons disease and a club foot. And what a perfect visual metaphor for the kind of poorly developed mess that this music invariably ends up being.

You want to dance? Put on Justin Timberlake.

You want to make your neighbors seriously consider slicing you to ribbons with the spool from a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch tape? Put on trance music tomorrow morning at 7:30.

I dare you.

In the meantime, if you want to listen to some decent tunes… my esteemed colleague, Earlimus Kraminster the XIIth, will soon (if he has not already) be posting a recent recording that will damage your internal functions with joy in a way you previously thought the queso dip at Chili’s could. And with considerably fewer lower G.I. ramifications (No guarantees, recordings still in clinical trials. Listeners take full responsibility).

So if it’s there, check it out. If it isn’t, wait with bated breath. It will be there shortly.

Lime Colony is coming back full swing. There will be shows. There will be CDs.

There will be Boom Diddles McBaggersons.

I leave you with this final thought:

“Entertainment Tonight… ba-ba bah bah bha”

That crap is going to be stuck in your head ALL DAY.

Colin

Gentle and beloved fans,

All is well!  I realize most of the status updates of late have been something like, ‘We’re working on the album, seriously’, to which I respond: seriously.  It’s the details.  It is progressing.

Anyway, we are nearing the end of something called ‘proxy season’, during which 2/3 of the Lime Colony are actually improsoned.  de facto.  Tim seems to have been freed from his shackles (only to be replaced by other, more portable shackles) and it’s been reported that Colin is in the process of reclaiming his personal effects (consisting of an old quilt, a lizard mask, two cans of  DEFY UV-Resistant Clear Wood Finish, a pair of tin-snips and several unmentionables) from the desk clerk at a non-descript minimum-security prison in Modesto.

We’re hoping to make a couple of changes in the near-future (good changes).  I won’t tell you what they are because I’m chewing right now and don’t want to be rude.  [Wait...hold one...just a second...] *ANOTHER BITE*.

So don’t jump off of the bridge – your life is worth more than you think.  We can help you.  Think of your family!

Beautiful weather, huh?  We pity the fools who live outside the lesser Bay Area where temperatures can exceed 85 degrees.  How do you do it?

Earl

Attention Facebookers!

As things go, we love you all very much.  We are still working on the cd (omgomgomg) and are going to start showing our faces in public a bit more.  

Anyway, we’ve got this facebook page (it’s linked to over on the right, but here it is again).  We would like you all to become fans.  While we cannot make you, of course, we can blackmail you.  You know, about that one thing.  Right?  Besides, President Obama says it’s your patriotic duty.  Also, he says, “Buy your own damn fries.” 

God bless you.  And God Bless The United States Of America.

 

Here’s a nice fan-created image (from here).  Hopefully the Associated Press doesn’t get angry and sue us. :(

Lime Colony recently got to spend a little time in front of a much sturdier, sexier microphone than normal, and it turns out some of the material recorded may actually make its way onto the new album in some form.  My vocals from that session certainly won’t, ravaged and devoured as the old chords were by a recent hot sauce drinking competition I held with myself. 

Sometimes I just feel indestructable.  And I like to test my limits.

As I was saying, Colin was off frolicking somewhere in Anaheim, CA, soaking wet.  Our adjunct violinist was at a junction of anthropologists.  Earl and I finally made our way over to the recording-room again, this time with the talented Mr. Wickens, Neumann in tow.

I’m going to stop typing now.  The sunset I’m beholding is indescribably beautiful.  I wish you could see it.

The voice of famed Lime Colony guitarist and singer Tim Garcia can be heard in the clip above.  Though it may never air on television, you can see it ad nauseum here and at http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#/gallery/video/1875/.

To all of the dear and beloved attendees of last night’s show, we extend our deepest gratitude.  The show would have been nothing without you.  Thank you.

Collectively,

Lime Colony